I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
