when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
