I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
