Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
