She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
