Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
