Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
