please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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