someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a hot homeless man
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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