you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
