hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
