My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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