I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
