Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
