Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
