i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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