He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i think i just lost a toe
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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