i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
