Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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