Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
