Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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