Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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