Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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