Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
