Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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