omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
