his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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