I faked an abortion last night.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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