I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
