Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize