Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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