Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
