I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
