Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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