My nipple is on Facebook.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
