Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize