I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize