On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm eating all of the evidence.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
