I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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