I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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