Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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