I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
