I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize