just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
