Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
