i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
