I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's blow job season.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i believe in u and ur pee
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
