its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
