Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
