she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
