i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
