I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
