he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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