Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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