It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
