upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
