I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize