How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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