i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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