Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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