Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
