There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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