Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
