A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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