I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
