The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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