I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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