just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
