Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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