i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
