You're my little dorito
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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