nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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