I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
