to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
