GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
