I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
