Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dick very happy bro
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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