If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
