We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
